Thursday, March 24, 2011
life of the party
Friday, March 18, 2011
Then and now.
E made 5 weeks yesterday. And it's crazy, because it feels like she is a different baby! She has grown so much I almost can't remember what it was like when she was first born.
I never posted a pregnancy picture - so here it is.
Yes, I know. It's...alarming. People were starting to double take in public, shamelessly stare at my belly and in the last week or two, even approach me to tell me how "ready" I looked. Don't get me wrong, I loved the remarks on my general hugeness... This picture was taken right before we left for the hospital, so it's probably my absolute biggest. Although I probably gained weight in the car on the way there.
Super excited (and a little weepy) in anticipation of meeting our little girl. I can't even believe this was only 5 weeks ago.
Hello, world! I just remember staring at her for hours on end. She may look like a typical sleepy newborn but she came out with her eyes open and manically rooting for milk.
Taken yesterday in The Beloved Swing :) Five weeks is so long when you're a baby...she already looks so grown up!
I'm treasuring every moment. Initially I felt pressure (self-induced, of course) to have a Perfect House while I'm at home with E. One day when she was a couple of weeks old, I was sitting in the rocker with the baby staring at the unmade bed and letting it drive me crazy. I started to stand up to go put her in the bassinet so I could make the bed - but then I immediately sat down and held E a little tighter. I'm not going to have regrets. Who cares if the bed is made at this second? I let the dishes linger a little longer so I can hold her while she sleeps. I could be more on top of the laundry, but then I would miss all of those little smiles that are becoming so frequent.
My family deserves a nice house, but they also deserve me to be fully present.
I never posted a pregnancy picture - so here it is.
I'm treasuring every moment. Initially I felt pressure (self-induced, of course) to have a Perfect House while I'm at home with E. One day when she was a couple of weeks old, I was sitting in the rocker with the baby staring at the unmade bed and letting it drive me crazy. I started to stand up to go put her in the bassinet so I could make the bed - but then I immediately sat down and held E a little tighter. I'm not going to have regrets. Who cares if the bed is made at this second? I let the dishes linger a little longer so I can hold her while she sleeps. I could be more on top of the laundry, but then I would miss all of those little smiles that are becoming so frequent.
My family deserves a nice house, but they also deserve me to be fully present.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
the business of becoming a mother
FINALLY a new post! But first, a word from our sponsor...
This post is brought to you by The Baby Swing. My sister-in-law lent me her baby swing while she doesn't have any kids currently in the swing stage. Let me tell you - this post would not be possible without it. A shower would not be possible without it.
I was going to write a big, long, detailed birth story. I actually wrote a good bit of it already. In the weeks following E's birth, a few of my friends without children asked me to detail my birth experience. At first I was a little nervous to share because it hadn't gone how I wanted it to go. I didn't get my 100% natural birth. As I told the story and watched their faces, I realized that hearing about just the physical side of labor and delivery can be, well, horrifying. This is not what I wanted to convey to my friends about childbirth. While the nitty gritty of birth should be something that women getting ready to have children should be aware of, telling only this side does not at all reflect the deep emotions of the birthing experience. I realized the most important parts to share weren't about the drugs I did or didn't receive and the pain I did or didn't experience. I've read tons of birth stories like that on other mom blogs. While I am definitely willing to share details of the physical side of my labor and delivery to those who ask, what I want to share today is how giving birth to my daughter instantly the transformed my heart.
Like I said earlier, various circumstances made a completely natural childbirth unfeasible. During the early part of my labor, I mourned this. I probably had more tears because of this than because of pain. Lots of people kept telling me that all that mattered was that everyone was safe and healthy. Maybe that was the most important thing, but it definitely wasn't all that mattered. I didn't seek a natural childbirth because I'm a masochist. I wanted to actively give birth and not passively lay there while having a baby just...happened.
My labor progressed very quickly and intensely. Although I couldn't completely physically engage in labor the way I wanted to, I wasn't expecting how mental laboring would be. I mean this in a really, really good way. I couldn't control everything about the physical side of my labor, but I could control my mind. Once I was able to set aside my disappointment about how the labor started, the whole experience became so incredibly positive.
I had a choice with each contraction. I could let it completely overwhelm me, or I could dig deep within myself and pull out a strength I had no idea I had. It took awhile, but I think I finally got past the overwhelming feeling. I wanted my labor to be more than something just to "get through". I wanted it to be something beautiful. I had read about using labor as a time to pray and offer up our deepest intentions. Once I emptied myself enough, I was finally able to offer up intentions. What a peaceful experience!
The other amazing part of the labor was Chris. I wish every woman had a husband this supportive during her labor and delivery. This man prepared as much for labor as I did. He coached me, stroked my hair, held my hand. He was my rock during the part of labor where I really was emotionally wavering and doubting everything - my ability as a mother, my ability to even be able to push this baby out. I could not have made it through without him. It helped me to see how simultaneously strong and tender he can be. It improved and deepened our marriage to go through this whole experience together. And don't even get me started on what a phenomenal father he is :)
Another big part of my labor being a great experience were the two positive and encouraging women I had as my resident and nurse. They tried their best to follow my birth plan, making my birth as natural as possible. They were joyful and encouraging. While I knew I needed Chris in the room with me, I had underestimated how having another woman in the room would enrich my experience. The nurse shared her birth experience and was encouraging in a different (but complementary) way to Chris' encouragement. If I ever become a nurse, I know I will forever think back to the women who took care of me while I was in the hospital.
I had been nervous at how much birth would expose me - both my body and my heart. I was afraid I would feel scared and immodest, that being in that much discomfort would bring something ugly in my heart. Birth did expose me, but in the opposite way. My friend Erin and I were talking recently about this phenomenon of birth. I would have thought before that there could be nothing worse than laying there naked, exposed, in pain. In other words, completely vulnerable. Instead, I felt strong, assured, confident. It turns out that giving birth and being a mother has given so much more healing to my heart than years of therapy could ever give it.
My body has always been a source of shame for me at any size. I've been overweight for many years now, but even at my ideal weight, I felt a disgust about my body. Pregnancy, birth and motherhood have helped me feel - dare I say - a beauty about myself. With pregnancy, I loved that my body grew round because it meant that my little girl was growing within me. During birth, I felt strong and powerful and such a sense of purpose about my life. While nursing my newborn baby, I had a WOW moment. Look at what a woman's body can do! Create, support, deliver and sustain life! I firmly believe that this is the vocation of every woman, whether she does this spiritually or physically. I am so grateful that becoming a mother has given me the gift of this realization. I just wish it hadn't taken me so many wasted years to realize it. Sometimes when I'm holding Evie, I whisper all of the things I want for her. I don't want her to be any particular profession. I want her to have a pure, strong heart and a confident spirit. I want her to know that her vocation as a woman has so much beauty and purpose.
Looking back, I can't believe I was ever nervous about whether it was the "right time" to have a baby. There have been a million confirmations that E was supposed to come into the world precisely when she did. I'll share one huge one with you. A couple of months before we found out about E, my Dad shared with our family some earth shattering news. He has cancer. For the third time. And it looks serious. News like this has a way of overshadowing a family. It taints every conversation, every family gathering whether it's spoken about out loud or hanging damply in the air. The news of a baby balanced everything out - it gave us something positive to talk about and to look forward. Her name had been a favorite of both Chris and mine months before we were pregnant. When we found out we were having a girl, we took a few days to pray and consider whether this was the right name for this baby. I cried when I looked up the name and found out it meant "bearer of good news." I needed no more confirmation.
If I talked incessantly on my blog or bent your ears in person about my pregnancy, it's because the only thing I've ever been sure I wanted is to be a mother. When I gave birth to that little girl, a dormant part of my soul lit up in a way I never thought was possible.
God bless this beautiful little girl.
And God bless the baby swing.
This post is brought to you by The Baby Swing. My sister-in-law lent me her baby swing while she doesn't have any kids currently in the swing stage. Let me tell you - this post would not be possible without it. A shower would not be possible without it.
I was going to write a big, long, detailed birth story. I actually wrote a good bit of it already. In the weeks following E's birth, a few of my friends without children asked me to detail my birth experience. At first I was a little nervous to share because it hadn't gone how I wanted it to go. I didn't get my 100% natural birth. As I told the story and watched their faces, I realized that hearing about just the physical side of labor and delivery can be, well, horrifying. This is not what I wanted to convey to my friends about childbirth. While the nitty gritty of birth should be something that women getting ready to have children should be aware of, telling only this side does not at all reflect the deep emotions of the birthing experience. I realized the most important parts to share weren't about the drugs I did or didn't receive and the pain I did or didn't experience. I've read tons of birth stories like that on other mom blogs. While I am definitely willing to share details of the physical side of my labor and delivery to those who ask, what I want to share today is how giving birth to my daughter instantly the transformed my heart.
Like I said earlier, various circumstances made a completely natural childbirth unfeasible. During the early part of my labor, I mourned this. I probably had more tears because of this than because of pain. Lots of people kept telling me that all that mattered was that everyone was safe and healthy. Maybe that was the most important thing, but it definitely wasn't all that mattered. I didn't seek a natural childbirth because I'm a masochist. I wanted to actively give birth and not passively lay there while having a baby just...happened.
My labor progressed very quickly and intensely. Although I couldn't completely physically engage in labor the way I wanted to, I wasn't expecting how mental laboring would be. I mean this in a really, really good way. I couldn't control everything about the physical side of my labor, but I could control my mind. Once I was able to set aside my disappointment about how the labor started, the whole experience became so incredibly positive.
I had a choice with each contraction. I could let it completely overwhelm me, or I could dig deep within myself and pull out a strength I had no idea I had. It took awhile, but I think I finally got past the overwhelming feeling. I wanted my labor to be more than something just to "get through". I wanted it to be something beautiful. I had read about using labor as a time to pray and offer up our deepest intentions. Once I emptied myself enough, I was finally able to offer up intentions. What a peaceful experience!
The other amazing part of the labor was Chris. I wish every woman had a husband this supportive during her labor and delivery. This man prepared as much for labor as I did. He coached me, stroked my hair, held my hand. He was my rock during the part of labor where I really was emotionally wavering and doubting everything - my ability as a mother, my ability to even be able to push this baby out. I could not have made it through without him. It helped me to see how simultaneously strong and tender he can be. It improved and deepened our marriage to go through this whole experience together. And don't even get me started on what a phenomenal father he is :)
Another big part of my labor being a great experience were the two positive and encouraging women I had as my resident and nurse. They tried their best to follow my birth plan, making my birth as natural as possible. They were joyful and encouraging. While I knew I needed Chris in the room with me, I had underestimated how having another woman in the room would enrich my experience. The nurse shared her birth experience and was encouraging in a different (but complementary) way to Chris' encouragement. If I ever become a nurse, I know I will forever think back to the women who took care of me while I was in the hospital.
I had been nervous at how much birth would expose me - both my body and my heart. I was afraid I would feel scared and immodest, that being in that much discomfort would bring something ugly in my heart. Birth did expose me, but in the opposite way. My friend Erin and I were talking recently about this phenomenon of birth. I would have thought before that there could be nothing worse than laying there naked, exposed, in pain. In other words, completely vulnerable. Instead, I felt strong, assured, confident. It turns out that giving birth and being a mother has given so much more healing to my heart than years of therapy could ever give it.
My body has always been a source of shame for me at any size. I've been overweight for many years now, but even at my ideal weight, I felt a disgust about my body. Pregnancy, birth and motherhood have helped me feel - dare I say - a beauty about myself. With pregnancy, I loved that my body grew round because it meant that my little girl was growing within me. During birth, I felt strong and powerful and such a sense of purpose about my life. While nursing my newborn baby, I had a WOW moment. Look at what a woman's body can do! Create, support, deliver and sustain life! I firmly believe that this is the vocation of every woman, whether she does this spiritually or physically. I am so grateful that becoming a mother has given me the gift of this realization. I just wish it hadn't taken me so many wasted years to realize it. Sometimes when I'm holding Evie, I whisper all of the things I want for her. I don't want her to be any particular profession. I want her to have a pure, strong heart and a confident spirit. I want her to know that her vocation as a woman has so much beauty and purpose.
Looking back, I can't believe I was ever nervous about whether it was the "right time" to have a baby. There have been a million confirmations that E was supposed to come into the world precisely when she did. I'll share one huge one with you. A couple of months before we found out about E, my Dad shared with our family some earth shattering news. He has cancer. For the third time. And it looks serious. News like this has a way of overshadowing a family. It taints every conversation, every family gathering whether it's spoken about out loud or hanging damply in the air. The news of a baby balanced everything out - it gave us something positive to talk about and to look forward. Her name had been a favorite of both Chris and mine months before we were pregnant. When we found out we were having a girl, we took a few days to pray and consider whether this was the right name for this baby. I cried when I looked up the name and found out it meant "bearer of good news." I needed no more confirmation.
If I talked incessantly on my blog or bent your ears in person about my pregnancy, it's because the only thing I've ever been sure I wanted is to be a mother. When I gave birth to that little girl, a dormant part of my soul lit up in a way I never thought was possible.
God bless this beautiful little girl.
And God bless the baby swing.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
A quick diversion
I keep trying to write my birth story, but my attempts are continually foiled by the cutest (and hungriest!) baby ever. I have so many posts written in my head...too bad you can't just read them there ;) Here's a little something to hold you over.
E loves snuggling...
...a blankie will do...
...but Daddy is better.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
The most beautiful thing I have ever seen
8lbs 9 oz. Born on February 10. Her father and I are completely, ridiculously in love with her. :)
I obviously will have SO much more to say. I've been writing a million blog posts in my head the past ten days. When I had the option of writing a blog post or staring into my daughter's eyes for 20 minutes, it was no contest.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
The last of the navel-gazing series
My two month abandonment of this blog was due to an effort to avoid talking about a, frankly, very frustrating third trimester. I'm sure some of you are sick of my navel-gazing, but hey, that's my life right now so that's what I'm going to blog about. I've processed a little more recently, so I feel like I can write about the Three Things That Have Made Me A Mess in The Past Month:
-Major circulation issues have caused massive swelling in my hands and feet (and arms and legs). The swelling has caused carpal tunnel, which has caused numbness and pain, which means sleeping is a dream of the past. I have no signs of preeclampsia or toxemia. My doctor is calling this just pregnancy edema which he says will only be cured by giving birth. (The edema is probably caused by the fact that our daughter is huge and is putting an enormous strain on my circulatory system - the last ultrasound put her in 93rd percentile weight-wise!) Since the only ways my doc and I have found to manage the swelling is staying off my feet as much as possible and drinking close to a gallon and a half of water a day, I can also only indulge in my nesting urges in short spurts. I feel like the laziest, most water-logged person alive.
-(Out of the ordinary) pain issues: Lots of women have round ligament pain. I keep telling my OB that I have "really, really severe round ligament pain." And he just looks at me and continues to review my chart.
Although I'm not Superwoman, I'm not a complete wuss either. I know something is wrong. From all of my preparation for natural childbirth, I've learned the pregnancy and birth can have lots of uncomfortable sensations and even be downright painful - but when the pain is chronic and unmanageable, the body is sending a signal that something is NOT RIGHT. I wish I wouldn't have spent the past nine months thinking I was a weakling who couldn't handle round ligament pain and realized I probably have a pregnancy condition similar to SPD.
Speaking of natural childbirth, I have a hard time dealing with the people who openly doubt and even patronize my decision to attempt a natural childbirth.
Chris and I have spent countless hours preparing for childbirth. We've decided that for us, natural childbirth is the best option. It was a decision that came from hours of research and examination of our particular situation; it was not made on a whim. We also understand that things happen. Our birth plan is realistic and well-rounded and also includes specific points about an epidural and c-section in case it comes to that.
However, I feel like women should have a chance to have their ideal birth experience. Since labor is so mental, this chance gets slimmer when everyone they encounter mocks, doubts and belittles their well-educated decisions about their labor and delivery. (This goes for both sides. I had someone I barely know call me in my second trimester to make sure I knew about the Bradley Method and proceeded to talk at length about this being the only acceptable way to give childbirth.) I have a friend who knows she has a very low tolerance for pain. She made the decision early in her pregnancy to have an epidural. It was not a decision she made because she didn't want to participate fully in her L&D experience - in fact, it was exactly the opposite. She researched, knew the risks and knew herself well enough to know this was the best decision for her and her baby.
If my pre-existing pain problems get unmanageable during labor to the point that it is harmful for my baby or myself, of course I will consider an epidural. I will not consider this a "failure" of my birth plan, but just one of the many circumstances my husband and I have prepared for.
The only voice that family, friends and acquaintances should have in a couple's birth experience is a supportive one. Pregnancy, labor, delivery and child-rearing is difficult enough.
That being said, this isn't a perfect world - people are going to say dumb things. A huge reason we didn't share our baby's name is because I can't just shrug off people's comments (especially people close to me) about my life choices. I didn't want to waver on her name that we feel so called to name her (we also really like the idea of presenting her all of our family and friends when she's born!) I know I would run those comments over and over in my head later at home and allow it to:
A) influence my decision or
B) really, really get under my skin
A goal for my next pregnancy (haha...I can't even believe I'm saying that right now) is to be more balanced. I don't think telling off people who say inappropriate things about our baby's name, our birth decisions, etc. is the right way to handle the situation - but neither is the extreme opposite reaction of letting every comment come through my skin and pierce my heart.
On a lighter note, some (comically) frustrating comments that I've gotten are as follows:
-"I think you're going to have your baby on _____ date."
-"Did you have your baby yet?" (Yes, and we didn't tell you...)
-"Whoa! You've gotten huge!"
-"Are you sure you're having a girl? I heard this story where a couple bought all pink stuff and then they had a boy." (Three ultrasounds have confirmed that she is a girl. If she's miraculously a boy, we'll be super excited too!)
I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow for an almost 39 week checkup and to address the supposed hugeness of the baby. I'm worried that the "I" word is going to come up (induction) because of the baby's size. Please say some prayers that Chris and I make the right decision for our baby...or maybe just that we go into labor ASAP.
Hopefully this will be the end of pregnancy blogging and I will have more interesting things to blog about than my in utero activity. Beware that it may be the beginning of the more-than-occasional post about the guaranteed Cutest Baby To Ever Be Born blog...
-Major circulation issues have caused massive swelling in my hands and feet (and arms and legs). The swelling has caused carpal tunnel, which has caused numbness and pain, which means sleeping is a dream of the past. I have no signs of preeclampsia or toxemia. My doctor is calling this just pregnancy edema which he says will only be cured by giving birth. (The edema is probably caused by the fact that our daughter is huge and is putting an enormous strain on my circulatory system - the last ultrasound put her in 93rd percentile weight-wise!) Since the only ways my doc and I have found to manage the swelling is staying off my feet as much as possible and drinking close to a gallon and a half of water a day, I can also only indulge in my nesting urges in short spurts. I feel like the laziest, most water-logged person alive.
-(Out of the ordinary) pain issues: Lots of women have round ligament pain. I keep telling my OB that I have "really, really severe round ligament pain." And he just looks at me and continues to review my chart.
Although I'm not Superwoman, I'm not a complete wuss either. I know something is wrong. From all of my preparation for natural childbirth, I've learned the pregnancy and birth can have lots of uncomfortable sensations and even be downright painful - but when the pain is chronic and unmanageable, the body is sending a signal that something is NOT RIGHT. I wish I wouldn't have spent the past nine months thinking I was a weakling who couldn't handle round ligament pain and realized I probably have a pregnancy condition similar to SPD.
Speaking of natural childbirth, I have a hard time dealing with the people who openly doubt and even patronize my decision to attempt a natural childbirth.
Chris and I have spent countless hours preparing for childbirth. We've decided that for us, natural childbirth is the best option. It was a decision that came from hours of research and examination of our particular situation; it was not made on a whim. We also understand that things happen. Our birth plan is realistic and well-rounded and also includes specific points about an epidural and c-section in case it comes to that.
However, I feel like women should have a chance to have their ideal birth experience. Since labor is so mental, this chance gets slimmer when everyone they encounter mocks, doubts and belittles their well-educated decisions about their labor and delivery. (This goes for both sides. I had someone I barely know call me in my second trimester to make sure I knew about the Bradley Method and proceeded to talk at length about this being the only acceptable way to give childbirth.) I have a friend who knows she has a very low tolerance for pain. She made the decision early in her pregnancy to have an epidural. It was not a decision she made because she didn't want to participate fully in her L&D experience - in fact, it was exactly the opposite. She researched, knew the risks and knew herself well enough to know this was the best decision for her and her baby.
If my pre-existing pain problems get unmanageable during labor to the point that it is harmful for my baby or myself, of course I will consider an epidural. I will not consider this a "failure" of my birth plan, but just one of the many circumstances my husband and I have prepared for.
The only voice that family, friends and acquaintances should have in a couple's birth experience is a supportive one. Pregnancy, labor, delivery and child-rearing is difficult enough.
That being said, this isn't a perfect world - people are going to say dumb things. A huge reason we didn't share our baby's name is because I can't just shrug off people's comments (especially people close to me) about my life choices. I didn't want to waver on her name that we feel so called to name her (we also really like the idea of presenting her all of our family and friends when she's born!) I know I would run those comments over and over in my head later at home and allow it to:
A) influence my decision or
B) really, really get under my skin
A goal for my next pregnancy (haha...I can't even believe I'm saying that right now) is to be more balanced. I don't think telling off people who say inappropriate things about our baby's name, our birth decisions, etc. is the right way to handle the situation - but neither is the extreme opposite reaction of letting every comment come through my skin and pierce my heart.
On a lighter note, some (comically) frustrating comments that I've gotten are as follows:
-"I think you're going to have your baby on _____ date."
-"Did you have your baby yet?" (Yes, and we didn't tell you...)
-"Whoa! You've gotten huge!"
-"Are you sure you're having a girl? I heard this story where a couple bought all pink stuff and then they had a boy." (Three ultrasounds have confirmed that she is a girl. If she's miraculously a boy, we'll be super excited too!)
I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow for an almost 39 week checkup and to address the supposed hugeness of the baby. I'm worried that the "I" word is going to come up (induction) because of the baby's size. Please say some prayers that Chris and I make the right decision for our baby...or maybe just that we go into labor ASAP.
Hopefully this will be the end of pregnancy blogging and I will have more interesting things to blog about than my in utero activity. Beware that it may be the beginning of the more-than-occasional post about the guaranteed Cutest Baby To Ever Be Born blog...
Monday, December 6, 2010
Advent: Preparing for the Big Arrival
Almost a month...that's how long regular bloggers wait to post..........right???
My excuses in a nutshell: clearing out the old apartment, moving into the new house, cleaning the old apartment, cleaning the new house, pregnancy fatigue, anemia fatigue, vicious cold, no internet, unpacking, unpacking and unpacking while being hugely pregnant.
Now I can move onto more important things. Like Advent.
Chris and I are determined to make Advent mean something for us this year. Or maybe I should say finally participating in it's meaning. It clearly already has meaning, I don't need to create one.
Advent is a time of preparation. What better year for our family to decide to take Advent seriously than the year I am in my third trimester for our first baby? Our whole life right now is preparation!
We're a week behind on getting an Advent wreath (although I'm stealing this great, super frugal idea from my friend Erin's blog) but we've managed to do a daily reading and meditation.
Although I've been adamant about preparing for the baby ever since I found out about her in June, (she has a super safe car seat, some seriously cute diapers and more money in her bank account than I do) I haven't gone manic *yet* (her room is undecorated and completely filled to the max with boxes...it's kind of ridiculous. I should get on that.)
Ok, so I'm not that ready for the baby. I still have 9 weeks. I hope. (If not, she will be very naked and sleeping in a dresser drawer for awhile). However, I wouldn't dream of being grossly unprepared financially or failing to buy a safe car seat. These things are super important.
Where is this urgency when preparing my heart for the Advent of Christmas/Advent of the arrival of Baby Reed?
This Advent, I want to prepare my heart for her. What steps am I making to prepare my heart for this beautiful little person who is going to 100% rely on me? How much am I praying for a change within myself so that she can grow up with the Mama she deserves? I'm thinking of starting everyday with this prayer: Lord, please help me today to be more motivated and less neurotic.
Ultimately this Advent, I prepare my heart for Him. I can be neither the wife or the mother I want to be if I don't start here. Line of thought/prayer at Mass this weekend:
-Advent is about preparing the way for Him.
-What are the obstacles in my life that keep me from engrossing myself in my spiritual life?
-Over and over, I couldn't think of anything tangible. Then, the answer seemingly floated down from the rafters in the church and landed squarely in front of me: Myself. I am the obstacle. Here is my first prayer for Advent:
O Jesus! meek and humble of heart, Hear me.
From the desire of being esteemed,
Deliver me, Jesus.
-Litany of Humility
Easy, huh?
And maybe one day after daily Mass, I'll go buy my little girl some warm baby clothes. She's going to be pretty cold in that dresser drawer.
My excuses in a nutshell: clearing out the old apartment, moving into the new house, cleaning the old apartment, cleaning the new house, pregnancy fatigue, anemia fatigue, vicious cold, no internet, unpacking, unpacking and unpacking while being hugely pregnant.
Now I can move onto more important things. Like Advent.
Chris and I are determined to make Advent mean something for us this year. Or maybe I should say finally participating in it's meaning. It clearly already has meaning, I don't need to create one.
Advent is a time of preparation. What better year for our family to decide to take Advent seriously than the year I am in my third trimester for our first baby? Our whole life right now is preparation!
We're a week behind on getting an Advent wreath (although I'm stealing this great, super frugal idea from my friend Erin's blog) but we've managed to do a daily reading and meditation.
Although I've been adamant about preparing for the baby ever since I found out about her in June, (she has a super safe car seat, some seriously cute diapers and more money in her bank account than I do) I haven't gone manic *yet* (her room is undecorated and completely filled to the max with boxes...it's kind of ridiculous. I should get on that.)
Ok, so I'm not that ready for the baby. I still have 9 weeks. I hope. (If not, she will be very naked and sleeping in a dresser drawer for awhile). However, I wouldn't dream of being grossly unprepared financially or failing to buy a safe car seat. These things are super important.
Where is this urgency when preparing my heart for the Advent of Christmas/Advent of the arrival of Baby Reed?
This Advent, I want to prepare my heart for her. What steps am I making to prepare my heart for this beautiful little person who is going to 100% rely on me? How much am I praying for a change within myself so that she can grow up with the Mama she deserves? I'm thinking of starting everyday with this prayer: Lord, please help me today to be more motivated and less neurotic.
Ultimately this Advent, I prepare my heart for Him. I can be neither the wife or the mother I want to be if I don't start here. Line of thought/prayer at Mass this weekend:
-Advent is about preparing the way for Him.
-What are the obstacles in my life that keep me from engrossing myself in my spiritual life?
-Over and over, I couldn't think of anything tangible. Then, the answer seemingly floated down from the rafters in the church and landed squarely in front of me: Myself. I am the obstacle. Here is my first prayer for Advent:
O Jesus! meek and humble of heart, Hear me.
From the desire of being esteemed,
Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being loved...
From the desire of being extolled ...
From the desire of being honored ...
From the desire of being praised ...
From the desire of being preferred to others...
From the desire of being consulted ...
From the desire of being approved ...
From the fear of being humiliated ...
From the fear of being despised...
From the fear of suffering rebukes ...
From the fear of being calumniated ...
From the fear of being forgotten ...
From the fear of being ridiculed ...
From the fear of being wronged ...
From the fear of being suspected ...
From the desire of being extolled ...
From the desire of being honored ...
From the desire of being praised ...
From the desire of being preferred to others...
From the desire of being consulted ...
From the desire of being approved ...
From the fear of being humiliated ...
From the fear of being despised...
From the fear of suffering rebukes ...
From the fear of being calumniated ...
From the fear of being forgotten ...
From the fear of being ridiculed ...
From the fear of being wronged ...
From the fear of being suspected ...
That others may be loved more than I,
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be esteemed more than I ...
That, in the opinion of the world,
others may increase and I may decrease ...
That others may be chosen and I set aside ...
That others may be praised and I unnoticed ...
That others may be preferred to me in everything...
That others may become holier than I, provided that I may become as holy as I should…
That, in the opinion of the world,
others may increase and I may decrease ...
That others may be chosen and I set aside ...
That others may be praised and I unnoticed ...
That others may be preferred to me in everything...
That others may become holier than I, provided that I may become as holy as I should…
-Litany of Humility
Easy, huh?
And maybe one day after daily Mass, I'll go buy my little girl some warm baby clothes. She's going to be pretty cold in that dresser drawer.
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