that's what *great* spouses are for

Lately I've been having dreams that a) I'm a single mother b) Chris has to go out of town immediately after the birth or c) for some other unknown reason I'm alone and unprepared with a newborn baby. The scenarios vary but the message is all of the same...in each dream I am a horribly inadequate mother, thrown into this whole parenthood thing all alone with no support system and no life vest. I keep trying to tell my subconscious that I'm not embarking on this new journey alone AT ALL. I am positive my dreams are 98% a reflection on my own jitters about being a first-time parent. 

Contrary to my crazy pregnancy dreams, Chris has been an absolutely fantastic husband. Aside from being an amazing hard worker and provider, he has gone noticeably out of his way to be an extra gentle, helpful and understanding husband.  For example- I was supposed to make dinner tonight, but by the time we got home I was all pale and low on blood sugar that I had trouble functioning. Chris hopped right in the kitchen and whipped up some yummy eggs and toast that I just finished enjoying. He is not allowing me to feel guilty. This is quite a learning process for me.

I'll post again soon, but I think I'm going to cut this post short to go enjoy the long coveted pregnancy pillow that my husband just bought me. I am seriously refraining from posting a thousand exclamation marks after that sentence.

What the heck.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

same blog, new name, better focus

I've been having an itch for quite awhile to change the name of this blog. I found the content out of line with the name - the blog was no longer about just my husband and I as newlyweds, but it wasn't my random rantings either. I didn't want to make it just a pregnancy blog, I WILL have this kid eventually and I do, contrary to popular belief, like to post about more than the little life growing inside of me (although, this is by far the coolest thing that has ever happened to me. If I went to space, every post I did would have in there somewhere "You know, when I was living in outer space...")

My favorite posts are about those little revelations (or smacks on the head) that God gives me about how to become who I was created to be - a wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, etc. I thought although "Smacks on the Head" would be an amusing title, the one I chose is a little more appropriate (and less violent).

In Fulton Sheen's book, The World's First Love, Fulton Sheen explains our humanity versus Mary's humanity extremely well. Paraphrased in a much less elegant way than Sheen says it: Imagine there is a Perfect Picture of each one of us that shows who we were created to be. We all fall short, in varying degrees, of that Perfect Picture. Between that Perfect Picture and our Actual Picture, there is a minus sign. However, between Mary's Perfect Picture and Actual Picture, there is an equal sign. Mary is exactly who she is created and called to be.

That is what this blog is about: my very slow business of becoming who I was created and called to be, my Perfect Picture.

An early thanksgiving

Warning: Avert your eyes if you have a weak stomach for sappy pregnancy gushes of emotion.

It may come across on my blog that this pregnancy has made me the most vain person to ever walk the earth. (Although if you caught a glimpse of my unkempt appearance these days, those suspicions would be quickly squashed.) It's hard to rip my eyes and thoughts from my ever-changing, swelling, queasy body - especially when the fiend, my Digestive System, demands my constant attention. I feel like the most boring person in the world because my conversational topics are limited to pregnancy, naps and reading. I consider the day an accomplishment if I got out of my pajamas, did a (little) housework and made dinner for my poor husband - who has had to make himself a bowl of cereal for dinner on my than one occasion during the last few months.

Things have been slowly happening for awhile to wake me up to the outside world. Although I do have some 2nd trimester morning sickness, it's not quite as severe as the 1st trimester. Either that or I've gotten used to my new companion, Constant Nausea. More significantly, as the baby has started to move, I find myself focusing less on my body as just that - MY body - and more as a grateful vessel for that amazing little life growing inside.
When I burst into tears from the frustration of morning sickness, constant fatigue and the fiery round ligament pain, my husband gently suggested I bring it to Our Lady in prayer because she went through all of this.

I have been trying to deepen my prayer life for awhile now with no luck. Everything felt false and forced. I want to come before God honestly. Preparing for motherhood has made this easier. How can I not come before God honestly when I'm in pain, nauseous, unwashed and desperate? The sneaky thing about prayer is that it changes you. I went from begging Him to take these things away to thanking Him for this opportunity to love greater, be pushed further. He's already expanding my heart - for Him, for Chris, for this baby - in ways that I never imagined. I had been praying to be more blessed with things I thought we needed. Now I've been praying that we can simplify our lives while still providing adequately for our baby. All of these things made what happened Thursday so much easier (and so much harder).

Chris left early on Thursday morning for a conference in Baton Rouge. I woke up temporarily to see him off, but fell back asleep for a nap (no one should get up at 6:00am when they don't have to.) I had a weird feeling when he left, but I'm hyper sensitive and super pregnancy hormonal (read- I cry easily), so I shrugged it off. Chris called at 7:45am with the phone call no wife wants to get: "I'm ok, but I got into an accident. The car is totaled. I'll call you back in a little bit." Click. 

My husband defines words, um, differently from me. If I said, I'm ok, I might mean that I had a few scratches. For Chris, this could cover a WIDE range of things. "I'm ok" could very well mean he snapped his femur in half. I burst into tears from not knowing how hurt he was, from being grateful to hear his voice. Then I started to pray as I stared at the little clock on my phone, praying that everything was alright and that he would call back soon. To make a long story short(er), he had a few scratches and was sore, but was really okay.

I picked Chris up from Baton Rouge that evening. We had a long ride back home to talk. This talk was different from one people normally have after this type of event. I think I could see how much both of us striving so hard to pray more, to love each other more, had really changed us. There was no aggravation, no frustration. Here are some highlights:

-So I totaled your car...um, Happy Birthday was what Chris said to break the ice and the looming "I could have lost you" feeling we were both having. We were both relieved to get rid of that car that had been the BANE of our existences. It's been a lemon from the start. The AC hasn't worked in months (South Louisiana summer + no AC = gross) and two of the four doors did not open - including the driver's door. (Chris had to crawl out the window after the accident). The funniest part of the day -we got about $50 for the car.

-We're now a one car family was a concept that took about ten minutes to get used to. Ten minutes that I used to panic, thinking we needed a new car. We don't. We have decided we are excited at the prospect of spending more time together, being more unselfish with our time, saving money and the exercise Chris will get from riding his bike more. We might try to look for a car as it gets close to Baby Reed's big arrival. For now, we're fantastic.

-How much we love each other has become so evident. I thought I knew no greater love than the day I said "I do" to my husband. I was sooo wrong. I want to be more for him everyday. I never once cared about the stupid car. All we both cared about was that our little family was safe and that Baby Reed will have two parents that love each other tremendously.

I said (several paragraphs up) that the recent changes in my prayer life made that awful day both easier and harder. Easier because I had no problems letting go of the car or dwelling on all of the "inconveniences" that would arise. What was really important was so glaringly obvious that these were non-issues. This is also what made it harder. I love my husband more deeply than I knew. I could have lost him. (Insert pregnancy tears).

My birthday was the day before the wreck. I didn't want to do anything particularly special for the day. Not that I was opposed to it being special, but I didn't feel the need to make create a special day for myself (my husband took care of most of that anyway). I wasn't trying to be difficult, nor did I think that I wasn't special or that birthdays or silly. But every time I thought about what I wanted, I already had it. I have a sweet husband with whom I have a great relationship and, maybe best of all, this amazing opportunity to carry the most precious gift possible.

I'm so grateful, nausea and all.

I thought I was through with this?

I'm at the cusp of week 17 with Baby Reed. "You should be feeling so much better by now" say both my doctor and those informative (but sometimes annoying) emails from Babycenter.  Why, o why, am I having first trimester flashbacks? One minute I'm brushing my hair for work and the next minute I'm doubled over with nausea. My theory is that Baby Reed wants me to remember he or she is still there. How could I forget? Besides the profound abdominal growth, there are still a million other signs that the baby is there. The two most recent and remarkable signs:

1. We finally got to hear the heartbeat!! For our first ultrasound, the sound portion of the machine was broken. For our first in-office doppler, the doctor (to my absolute terror) couldn't find the heartbeat just yet and had to use ultrasound to show us that yes, you can stop turning white and hyper-ventilating, that heart is pumping away. For this past Thursday's visit, he found the heartbeat almost immediately. However, he proceeded to chase the kid back and forth from one side of my abdomen all the way to the other so we could hear it for more than a second. I'm wondering if this is indicative of our baby's personality and energy level? If the baby is moving this much it's no wonder that I can feel...

2. Baby kicks. Clear, distinguishable ones. Not "oh, is that a gas bubble or a baby" kicks. I was resting my hand outside my abdomen yesterday morning and felt a clear kick. WOW. So freaking cool. I then felt more kicks at the beginning of the Saints game, but they stopped after about four minutes. Chris is even more convinced it is a girl because only a girl would get excited for the first four minutes of a football game and then go to sleep.

Speaking of Saints game... (I'm the queen of segues today) I got to go to my first one in the Superdome, thanks to some friends of ours who are season ticket holders who generously surrendered last nights tickets into our willing hands. Even though I was a zombie in the second half, we really enjoyed ourselves!

Food Challenge

My question of the week (besides that whole celebrity voyeurism thing): How does a pregnant woman eat healthy? Like, really healthy. And ENJOY it?

For more than 6 months before we conceived, Chris and I had been on a major health food/exercise kick. I went from begrudgingly eating vegetables, to enjoying them, to practically savoring them. I craved roasted broccoli. I was practically vegan before I got pregnant with this little one. Ten weeks (and almost fifteen pounds lost) of barely being barely being able to eat anything and definitely not enjoying practically any food has damaged my oh-so-carefully built new habits. I've been eating whatever I feel like eating because I ate so little and just needed to keep something in my stomach.

Challenges:
Challenge 1: During the first trimester, I had a major aversion to vegetables. I could not even swallow them. It was one of the saddest times of my life.
Challenge 2: My taste had become very primitive for awhile. While weight gain wise I have been able to eat whatever I want, I know that the additives and salt content (not to mention sugar, fat, etc.) in the more processed food I have been eating are being passed to my baby, and this I definitely don't like.


I'm not so worried about the weight gain (knock on wood) because I've lost so much already, but I would like to keep my weight gain low and, more importantly, my health (and the baby's) high. I'm already overweight and at a higher risk for gestational diabetes and preclampsia.

This week has been my first full week where I've had more freedom with food. I've finally reincorporated some veggies (although not nearly enough). I eat a lot of fruit and cheese. Anyone have suggestions on portable snacks and easy meals to make that will be great superfoods for the baby and me? Now that I don't feel like death, I feel like I can focus on health in this pregnancy as opposed to mere survival. Also, I would love to have a diet that gives me the energy to continue yoga and swimming again, asap.

Update...real post to follow!

It's been about a month since I posted last, so here's a brief "life update":
-Baby Reed is 16 weeks old and looking less like a t-rex and more like the cute little person that he/she is. I've run a quite a range of feelings already about this pregnancy- bewilderment, fear, nausea and excitement to name a few. As my end of the 1st trimester baby "beer belly" turns into an ever so slight looking baby bump, I've finally  settled into my position as "baby grower" and started to prepare myself to be "baby raiser" so that I don't become "baby's inept mother". Chris and I are slowly trying to make steps to be the parents we want to be and make our household and family life what we want it to be. One big change - much more book reading, much less tv watching.

-Most of you know about my dad and how he's going through surgery/treatment for cancer. Hard times always show who the most faithful friends are, and I've been pleasantly surprised and grateful for the people who have come out of the woodwork and made a point to ask how the surgery went or to let me know they're praying. When I read my Dad's facebook wall, I'm super impressed at how many people care about him and my mom and are constantly posting words of encouragement. Thank you so much for your prayers for him and my family.

-Because of Dad's surgery, my little brother came and stayed with us in our tiny apartment for just under a week. Two adults, one teenager and a cat in a one bedroom apartment is tight, but not impossible. It makes me realize how little space we can actually live in. Gabby (our cat) was grateful to share the living room so as long as she could have a snuggly sleep buddy :)

Ahhh....this is the life.

I am super excited to announce that Chris found out last Friday that he got a promotion (and a nice little raise) at work! I was super sad to find out that he needed to spend the next 5 days in Baton Rouge. After a nice long weekend across the state celebrating the marriage of our dear friends, Liz and Philip*, we came home Sunday night - and packed again. I met Chris in BR Monday night and got to stay until Wednesday (he came home on Friday). While Chris went to his training during the day, I partied it up (hahaha) in the hotel until he came home.

*A side note on Liz and Philip - what a gorgeous wedding!!! I have honestly never seen two people that seem  so absolutely made for each other. I couldn't imagine either of them with anyone else. I wish you all of the happiness in the world! Please pray that they have a happy, holy marriage with lots of gorgeous blue-eyed babies :)


This little free vacation leads me to my purpose for this blog post -

Why Every Pregnant Woman Should Live in a Hotel:

1. One word: elevator. Minimal walking (waddling) around everywhere.
2. HOUSEKEEPING. Hmmm...I did fill the trash and use all of the towels this morning, but now the trash is empty I have fresh towels and my toilet paper has that neat little triangle fold on it. Whoopsie! I forgot to make the bed. Thank goodness, it was magically made by fairies while I was (see #3)
3. Out to lunch with my husband. Everyday. A quiet meal. Someone else did the dishes. Could this be a...date??
4. Why don't I have a valet at my apartment? I think one of the less finer things about being pregnant (or not pregnant) in Louisiana during the summer is steaming hot cars with seat belts that burn and air that suffocates. I think I would leave the house more if I could call a well-dressed man five minutes before I was supposed to leave to take my car from wherever it was magically hidden and pull it up 5 feet from the hotel lobby with the AC blasting.
5. Cable TV. I admit this shouldn't be as big of a bonus as it is. We don't have cable. I'm at the end of my first trimester and although overall feeling much better, I still have some funky-feeling days. I was so disappointed to find that my first day there was a funky day. I had made plans to get a little crazy and go sit at a bookstore all day and sip lattes while Chris was at his conference. That frown turned upside down when I realized I had a coffee maker, a huge bed with no less than six fluffy pillows and cable to TV to entertain me until the funk passed.